More on Sex Frequency

Sometimes, for the sake of time, you have to cut illustrations. Sadly, I had to cut this one. It is a true story. (Women find it believable, men not so much, but it is true).

Several years ago I worked for a para-church youth ministry. As part of their training program 2nd year staff had to go to a two week winter intensive training. Two seminary classes (counseling and theology) packed into two weeks.

Having been dismissed from class I went back to our room. When I say our room, I mean a room I shared with twenty-four other guys. Camp style living. Twelve bunks. Single guys and married guys (whose wives did not accompany them) living together for two weeks.

About eight of us were in the room. I was on the top bunk thinking: “I’m so glad I don’t really know anyone here. No one will try to talk to me.” I was exhausted and just wanted to think about nothing.

Down on the floor, some guy asked Mark* (a man who just got married four months earlier) if he enjoyed sleeping with the guys as much he enjoyed sleeping with his wife. Everyone laughed. Except Mark.

He said no. He preferred sleeping with his wife.

Someone else asked: How often do you do it anyway?

Mark answered: About once a month.

Everyone gasped (Remember this is a group of men).

Now no one was laughing--least of all Mark who had become visibly upset. And he shared how painful it was that his new wife wasn’t particularly interested in being physically intimate with him.

Wow. I thought on my bunk bed. I can’t believe he just shared THAT.

And then Tim* spoke. No one even knew he was in the room. He was on a top bunk sitting silently like me.

Tim said: Mark, I have a similar problem in my marriage--except the roles are reversed. My wife wants to have sex with me every night, sometimes multiple times a night. And I love her but it’s a real strain on our marriage. Saying no to her makes me feel like I’m not a man or something, but I can’t say yes every time.

And then Tim became visible upset.

Wow. I thought on my bunk bed. I can’t believe HE just shared THAT.

And then it was quite. No one said a word. The room went tense. Mark was ticked off at Tim. Really ticked off. Like Tim was pouring salt in his wound.

With the tension rising, I thought someone has got to say something. I thought someone has got to break the tension.

And so I spoke. And everyone looked at me all of a sudden (they didn’t know I was there either).

Tim. I’m real sorry, I said. It seems like this is a real problem in your marriage. And I think I speak for many of the guys here when I ask: Does your wife have any sisters? Because a lot of us single guys would sure like to have that problem!

And everyone erupted in laughter…

Or everyone got became angry with me and took turns beating me…

Or…

OK. I have to level with you. The last part didn’t happen. Andrew’s sharing. Happened. Tim’s sharing. Happened. My sharing. No.

I did think I needed to say something. And I did think it would be very funny to ask Tim if his wife had any sisters. But I kept my mouth shut. To this day I don’t know whether it was wisdom or cowardice. Feel free to weight with the comments.

But I did learn one thing. It’s not always the man who wants more sex in the relationship.

*I did not use their real names. Both because that's not cool and quite frankly I can't remember one of the guys names anyway.